Why I didn’t care for the Gilmore girls reboot.

1.) What has Rory done in 10 years? As far as I can tell, she’s had one piece, plus a couple bylines. When we last left her, she was hopping on Obama’s campaign bus. No one mentions any work coming out of that… and that work would’ve been over at latest in 2012. What has she been doing? The creators groused that everyone was too focused on Rory’s love life and not asking whether she’d won a Pulitzer, but… apparently, they were too busy worrying about her mistakes to decide to give her a career at all?

2.) Rory is incapable of making a decision. She can’t even break up with a boyfriend, so why should I expect her to make any other move decisively in her life? It feels like she just expects things to happen for her, much like her “meeting” with the weird gossip website. Jess had to tell her what to write her book about. She hops around other people’s’ homes for room and board not because she’s cool and rootless, but because it genuinely feels like she’s blasting into town with no plan. Without any backstory, I truly just assume she was in London, needed a place to stay, so she just tumbled into bed with Logan because /shrug/. Which leads me to…

3.) Rory is The Other Woman… again. She’s been there, done that. And she clearly didn’t learn a damn thing.

4.) Did Paris really need to be hung up on Tristan? … or the vague, Caucasian male outline we’re supposed to know to be Tristan, as the case may be? The briefcase was a compelling point for Impostor Syndrome. Leave it there.

5.) Rory is really bad at journalism. She fell asleep during one interview, then slept with another. She tried to write a biography about someone notoriously unstable and seemed to be using only the subject as a source. She seems to have zero ideas for new articles. She keeps saying she has a meeting with “Condé Nast” and ends up meeting with GQ, which is the least ~Rory~ publication under their entire umbrella (which may have been a slight by Mitchum Huntzberger, though I’m not sure.)

6.) Lorelai and the Incredibly Bloated Wild Bit/Lorelai Goes to the Theatre for Far Too Long. These two bits were too long and too self-indulgent. The Wild thing was a joke that was squeezed a little too hard, and Stars Hollow: The Musical was about three scenes too many. Just to determine if I was being a Grumpzilla, I checked a few reviews and almost every one pointed out these two items. Everyone noticed that there was filler in a show we all wanted to be dense with development. Not great. I liked that there was some payoff in both, but I feel like a little montaging would’ve been appropriate.

7.) Open relationships are A Thing, people. For a brief moment, I thought the surprise was going to be that Rory was openly dating multiple people. It would have made her a more developed character–someone who knows that cheating is a bad road, someone at peace with their compartmentalization. Instead, she’s stringing along a perfectly nice guy while she’s a douchebag’s mistress, “What Happens in London, Stays in London, But Don’t Tell Your Fianceé” style. And she ends up banging a guy in a Chewbacca suit. Yeesh.

8.) Oh, Lane. Lane, Lane, Lane. You deserved so much more. Now, you run your mother’s antique shop while your husband, Terry Bellefleur, has just been promoted to a job that requires a shirt collar. Remember when he left to go on tour while you were taking care of the twins? You have your garage practices, but has the band even ventured out of Stars Hollow together? When is the last time you let your hair down? When is the last time your best friend offered to babysit for you while she was crashing on your couch? Hell, when is the last time she even asked how you were doing?

9.) Communication… y’ever heard of it? I know communication breakdowns are like, the third man in the room in any scene, but c’mon. We’re supposed to accept that not once did Lorelai and Luke actually discuss having children? Rory doesn’t know the basics of using a cell phone in a dead zone (pro tip: when you hear the other person, STOP WALKING)? Emily and Lorelai sit in therapy in silence and the therapist just sits there with them, no questions? Luke–the man with a No Cell Phones sign in 2016–doesn’t have a We Don’t Have Wi-Fi sign? Rory still can’t speak her mind to… well, anyone?

10.) Circles. Y’all know those four words by now. They disappointed me. Not because of the circles, but because the loop was just too darn similar. Spoilers ahead: though Rory is (exactly) twice the age Lorelai was when she got pregnant, Rory is basically in the same financial straits, with no job, no home and no partner (though it’s safe to assume that Rory will allow Lorelai to be involved.) Like Lorelai, Rory’s baby daddy is not a prospect as a potential father figure, perhaps doubly so because Logan (who I assume is the father) is engaged to an heiress and the Huntzberger dynasty has no room for bastards. And while the message is perhaps to be that you can’t out-smart life, that you’re never all that different from your parents… wasn’t Rory supposed to be different?

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