Five foods I refuse to eat (because they are bullshit)

1.) Orange Juice – Okay, this isn’t so much a food. But it’s also not so much an actual juice. If you’ve ever had orange juice you’ve squeezed from an actual orange, you know that the juice tastes nothing like what you get in a store, and that it’s not actually all that orange. Why? Blame it on the flavour packs. Commercial orange juice is a gross, brown pulp that’s stored in tanks for a year or so. They then pump it with suspended powder colouring and fill it with flavours–which do not have to be listed on ingredient labels–that were specially designed by perfume companies. That’s right, next time you bring a carton of orange juice to your lips, really study what you’re tasting. I bet it’s going to be eerily reminiscent of B-List Celebrity Fragrance Number Eight. Other juices aren’t exempt from this grossness, but orange juice is among the bullshittiest.

2.) Completely Fake Blueberries – Listen, I knew something was up when I tried my first homemade blueberry muffin. Blueberries are chalky, bitter, awful little nasties, and the blueberries in commercial muffins are sweet and delightful. That’s because they’re mostly sugar and artificial coloring. They’re becoming less common, but they’re still out there. And I’m not playing that game.

3.) Himalayan Pink Salt – Y’all, they make some CLAIMS with this stuff. While I’m on board with the notion that we should all probably start steering ourselves away from plain ‘ol table salt, no salt is going to be a magical cure-all. Period. Come at me, alt-wellness-gurus. Yes, this salt does have a bunch of minerals in it that some other salts don’t, but those salts have some that HPS doesn’t got. More importantly, the amounts are so minute that you’re 100% better off just taking a vitamin and using whichever salt alternative is least expensive. Aside from unproven health claims, the biggest reason I refuse HPS? Many are artificially coloured.

4.) Kombucha – If I can manage to look around the absolutely disturbing taste (and that’s asking a lot), I see a list of rumoured health benefits a mile long. But like, they’re rumours. Completely inconsistent from one hipster to the next, and never tested. What are documented are the health risks, including liver and kidney toxicity. UM. Drink it if you enjoy it, but don’t pretend it’s doing your body any good. And please, don’t anger the SCOBY.

5.) “Fitness” bars – You know you have no idea what’s in them. You tell yourself you’re doing a good thing. But honestly? It’s just a different (bad) flavour of junk food. Even the best “organic” bars are still peddling some bullshit with dubious health claims and the assurance that these 100 calories are better spent than 100 calories elsewhere.

2 responses to “Five foods I refuse to eat (because they are bullshit)”

  1. I agree with everything except… REAL BLUEBERRIES ARE DELICIOUS! Dootsie! How you call them “awful little nasties”!?! LOL. But I do agree that dried blueberries are no bueno.
    You should try to get refund on your taste buds. I think you got a defective set. 😉

    The Kombucha I’ve tried tastes good. I go the wimp route though and buy the kind the SCOBY has been removed from. But like you said I don’t fool myself that I’m drinking anything other than a sugary drink. Same with orange juice. If it’s not fresh squeezed, I won’t bother. ( Spoiled much? )

    I had no idea all those claims were being made about HPS. Still salt, folks!

    I like the low-carb Kind bars. They’re basically a bunch of nuts stapled together. Not sure if they meet the 100 calorie target but they tide me over. ( Of course, a handful of nuts would do the same thing… and cost a lot less. ) But like you said, I don’t fool myself that I’m not having a snack.

    Hey here’s one for ya : coconut oil. Lots of wild claims made. One nutritionist I know said it was bunk and you’re supposed to avoid it like other hydrogenated-fat foods. BUT coconut oil people on the web point out that it’s not actually trans and that’s the stuff that lives in your system forever. Morever, that studies have shown it does NOT behave the same as the man-made trans fats do. So. What to do about that? I know from college O-chem, “trans” makes a big difference in the behavior of a molecule, even though some of it is just rotated a different way ( see some sugar substitutes for details ).

    1. You know what’s the real crime about blueberries? I love absolutely everything about the way they look and smell. But ugh! So chalky!
      All the kombucha I’ve had tastes vinegary. I don’t like most vinegars anyway, but I can’t imagine willingly just drinking it. Some people do that though (see also: apple cider vinegar health craze.)
      I think coconut oil is one of those wild toss-up items. On one hand, it almost certainly is better for you than partially hydrogenated vegetable oil/shortening. On the other, it has a weak-as-hell smoke point, it raises both kinds of your cholesterol and also? It’s kinda weird to work with.
      I’m mostly amused by oil pulling. The concept is that bacteria in your mouth binds to the fat, so you swish the oil and then spit it out. So, basically, extremely weird-feeling mouthwash without the benefits of mouthwash. Coconut oil’s acids maaaaaay help kill bad bacteria, but like. It’s coconut oil. In your mouth. Yeck.

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