1.) Orange Juice – Okay, this isn’t so much a food. But it’s also not so much an actual juice. If you’ve ever had orange juice you’ve squeezed from an actual orange, you know that the juice tastes nothing like what you get in a store, and that it’s not actually all that orange. Why? Blame it on the flavour packs. Commercial orange juice is a gross, brown pulp that’s stored in tanks for a year or so. They then pump it with suspended powder colouring and fill it with flavours–which do not have to be listed on ingredient labels–that were specially designed by perfume companies. That’s right, next time you bring a carton of orange juice to your lips, really study what you’re tasting. I bet it’s going to be eerily reminiscent of B-List Celebrity Fragrance Number Eight. Other juices aren’t exempt from this grossness, but orange juice is among the bullshittiest.
2.) Completely Fake Blueberries – Listen, I knew something was up when I tried my first homemade blueberry muffin. Blueberries are chalky, bitter, awful little nasties, and the blueberries in commercial muffins are sweet and delightful. That’s because they’re mostly sugar and artificial coloring. They’re becoming less common, but they’re still out there. And I’m not playing that game.
3.) Himalayan Pink Salt – Y’all, they make some CLAIMS with this stuff. While I’m on board with the notion that we should all probably start steering ourselves away from plain ‘ol table salt, no salt is going to be a magical cure-all. Period. Come at me, alt-wellness-gurus. Yes, this salt does have a bunch of minerals in it that some other salts don’t, but those salts have some that HPS doesn’t got. More importantly, the amounts are so minute that you’re 100% better off just taking a vitamin and using whichever salt alternative is least expensive. Aside from unproven health claims, the biggest reason I refuse HPS? Many are artificially coloured.
4.) Kombucha – If I can manage to look around the absolutely disturbing taste (and that’s asking a lot), I see a list of rumoured health benefits a mile long. But like, they’re rumours. Completely inconsistent from one hipster to the next, and never tested. What are documented are the health risks, including liver and kidney toxicity. UM. Drink it if you enjoy it, but don’t pretend it’s doing your body any good. And please, don’t anger the SCOBY.
5.) “Fitness” bars – You know you have no idea what’s in them. You tell yourself you’re doing a good thing. But honestly? It’s just a different (bad) flavour of junk food. Even the best “organic” bars are still peddling some bullshit with dubious health claims and the assurance that these 100 calories are better spent than 100 calories elsewhere.