Seriously answering a very silly post

I need you to understand that this Tweet speaks to my soul.

The author explained that it was part of a game design exercise, but then went on to answer each and every one (go read the thread. Seriously. Magnificent.)

But I LOVE weird, soul-searchy surveys. The Proust Questionnaire is my dream date. So I’m doing the damn thing.

1. ) What is your favorite thing to smell like that is neither a perfume nor your body’s natural scent? Campfires.

2.) Horses: y/n? Defend your answer. Absolutely yes. I may be biased as I live in The Horse Capital of The World, but horses are absolutely majestic creatures that do not get enough respect from us. Horses have looked at me with more kindness and consideration in their eyes than many humans.

3.) If you could be perpetually youthful in mind and body but it meant outliving everyone you love, would you do it? Maybe. Would I EVER die? If so – and especially if I could know about when I’d die – I’d be down. If I were some sort of immortal, I’d need assurances about my regenerative properties.

4.) What was a superstition you made up and slowly, over time, ended up believing? This is a weirdly specific question, and I am a weirdly specific person. I actually have several and I can’t even think of them because I believe them so fiercely?

5.) What sounds do you hear often in passing that cheer you up? The Wilhelm Scream. Kids debating amongst themselves. Mockingbirds.

6.) A minor god grants you a boon: either the gift of being able to grow gills to breathe and swim great depths underwater, or to grow wings and fly to great heights. You can go about as fast as you would at a full sprint. What good deed did you receive this boon for, and do you take gills or wings? I probably baked this god a pie, to be honest. Or offered to rub their shoulders. I’d absolutely take the wings because that would be so handy.

7.) Every wild animal you see within an eight block radius of your home now has a taste for human flesh. How screwed are you? Only slightly screwed. There are definitely rabbits, raccoons, birds and foxes – maaaaaybe some deer – but I think I could take ’em.

8.) You meet and fall in love with someone who falls in love with you in turn, but the cost is you never have a clean break when you take a shit ever again. Is it worth it? Yeah. I have a bidet. I’ve got this.

9.) If you could be any one of your houseplants, which would you be? (If you don’t have houseplants, choose a bivalve instead.) Probably my dragon plant. She thrives like nobody’s business, and her life is pretty easy. (I think I’d be a pretty good cockle. Also, lol. Cockle.)

10.) In Bo Burnham’s comedy special Inside, the opening song includes the line
“I’m sorry I’ve been gone, but look I made you some content/Daddy made you your favorite, open wide.”
What are you opening wide for? You are opening your mouth only. You are not opening your mouth for a body part.
Only the dankest memes. Or, perhaps, Bo Burnham’s comedy special Inside.

11.) You wake up with a worn leather pouch under your pillow. When you unwind the frayed cord cinched around its neck, you see that it is full of teeth. Somehow you know you are meant to plant them in fertile soil. What kind of teeth are they, and what crop do you harvest? I can only assume that these are the leavings of The Tooth Fairy, and that this is what the fae have been doing with teeth this entire time. It grows into a fairy ring, which is just a portal for them to reach our plane more readily. I also suspect all mushrooms are just buried human teeth.

12.) There’s a spider in your home that brings you a crisp, newly-minted $5 every day at 5:40PM, but also every day at an undetermined time between 1 and 2AM, on two randomly selected days of the week, screams directly in your ear with the volume and lung capacity of an opera singer. Do you let the spider keep living inside or do you take it outside to a nice garden somewhere? I’d really have to give this one a try and see how long I could keep it up. I’d appreciate the money and the little guy’s autonomy – and let’s be honest, the mystical mystery – but I value my sleep a whole lot.

13.) While you’re trying out a new recipe you fuck up and summon a demon instead. What were you trying to cook? Which demon do you summon with your errors? I assume it’s probably lemon poppyseed muffins or lemon bars. Cursive writing, you know. It would make sense to me if it were Belphegor, but it’s possible it would be my BFF, Abadon. It seems more likely that it would be a minor demon, like a boring incubus or something.

14.) If you could transform all of your hair to a different, hairlike-but-not-hair substance, what would it be? Assuming that this would be a requirement and not an option, literal silk strands would be nice.

15.) You’re checking the ingredients of a new affordable skincare product that’s really working wonders for you and the first one listed is “ACTIVE INGREDIENT 3.6% HUMAN BLOOD.” Do you keep using it? Is it listed as cruelty-free? I really need to know that this was ethically-sourced human blood before I can start enjoying Bathory fantasy.

16.) You travel to see a beloved friend of many years, but the more time you spend with them, the more they seen a little off, like you’re looking at a picture of your friend through a window pane. When you ask them about it they reply cheerfully, “Oh yeah I’m a homunculus constructed in the image of your friend. I have all their memories and bodily conditions. For all intents and purposes I’m a later edition of your friend, but the person you know as your friend isn’t here anymore. Where do you want to eat dinner tonight?” What restaurant do you choose? Probably something very hands-on, like a crab shack. Maybe charcuterie and wine.

17.) If you could shrink or grow to ride any non-horse animal like a horse, which animal would you choose? Hedgehog. I’d wear a gnome hat.

18.) During an evening stroll you find an adorable, bright blue beetle the size of a pencil eraser. When you go over to investigate it calls you the rudest thing you’ve ever been called in your life. What do you do? “Oh, I’m sorry. I came in kinda hot there, didn’t I? Cool that you can talk. Well, have a good night.”

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