What I Learned About Getting Famous from the Kim Kardashian App

So Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is an app that exists (here on Google Play, as well).  The premise of the game is that you are new to Hollywood and by meeting Kim Kardashian, you are suddenly welcome to a world of gaming the players to instantly become famous.  Naturally.

You work at a clothing store, and Kim comes by at closing, asking you to basically stay open for her diva-like needs.  So you do, and you’re on the fast-track to stardom.  ’cause Kim has the hookup with everyone, guys.  You’re apparently so fabulous that she asks you to stop by a photo shoot with her later.

Hitching a ride on the bus, you go from one job to the next, expending your energy on meaningless tasks.  You apparently don’t have to complete any/all of the work in any particular “challenge”, you just have to show up.  And if that’s not a commentary on the world of Hollywood, I don’t know what is.

Recently, I schmoozed with a stylist, buying some of her boots for Kim’s store to score brownie points with her promoter boyfriend.  Then, I made an appearance at a nightclub on the promise that I’d shill some vodka for him.  Naturally, there was an opportunity to catfight with my supposed enemy, a blonde socialite. Hmm.  You follow all the celeb gossip Twitter feeds, and they alert you to your rising D-list fame.  To do the most schmoozing (and to unlock cool clothing and accessories), you can buy K star points.  The app is otherwise free to play, you just have to wait forever for energy to replenish.

You’re encouraged to date and flirt around for fame, which feels way icky.  Interestingly, you can be gay/bisexual in this game without any apparent comment on the matter, which is cool.

The whole game feels weird, exploitative and icky.  If this is Kim’s Hollywood, it plays like fame is just an ass-kissing away.  For her, I’m sure it’s an accurate reality–aside from the $15 plane ticket to Miami.  For anyone else, this will seem equal parts laughable and depressing.

CARROT Fit App Review

So CARROT is essentially the GLaDOS of to-do lists.  I decided to download both the to-do list and their new CARROT Fit, a very snarky fitness app along the same vein.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the app.

It begins by asking you to enter your weight.  It first guesses you at 600+ pounds.  Har har.  You enter your actual weight and her response is “LOL”.  For some reason, the male avatar options are Male, Gentleman and Brony while the female or other avatar options include Female, Sheep and Brick Wall.  CARROT mocks you if you choose anything other than generic Male or Female–the Brony is an instant Game Over.  Both the Male and Female avatars are very fat.  They pant and sweat a lot.

CARROT tells you if you use the module to lose weight, she’ll be pleased.  But if you “blimp up”, she’ll be upset.  Okay, CARROT, let’s do this.

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Not All Men

Guys.  I don’t understand why you’re not mad.

I don’t understand why, when presented with these stories, you don’t get pissing, spitting mad.  Why you don’t huff and scream and shout and stomp and shake your fists.

I don’t understand why you’re not mad that you’ve been lied to.  I don’t understand why you’re not mad that you’ve been manipulated.  All your life, you’ve been told that you’re nothing if you’re not in control.  You’ve been told that you’re nothing without a woman underneath you.  You’ve been told that it’s better to hit than be hit.  You’ve been told that women are the enemy–that they’re out to get you, that they’re out to get your money, that they’re out to get a life where they lie on their backs and let you take care of them, that they’re just ripe for the fucking, that they’re a thing to get, that they’re irrational, that they’re crazy, that they need you to tell them what they want, that you should just take it, that they belong to you, that they’re there for you to use, that they’re yours.

But of course you don’t believe that.  You’re not like That.

But you’ve heard it, right? Continue reading

5 Adulting Confidence Boosters for the Week

  1. This week, clean or shine a pair of your shoes.  Just trust me on this one.
  2. Create a playlist of songs that make you feel confident.  Don’t use a random streaming service for this–make sure it’s 100% songs that make you feel positive!
  3. Do not “marathon” your adulting.  If you’re on a roll, great, let your dreams carry you with the eagles fly.  But you can quickly become overwhelmed and cranky.  If you need to take a break–do it!  Go do something that’s relaxing for you, instead.
  4. Make up a song as you go.
  5. Frustrated? Take a break and try to picture with absolute clarity your favorite sensory experience, whether it’s a particular smell, sound or touch.

Naturebox Review

For anyone unfamiliar with Naturebox, it’s a “healthy” (they have dietitians and nutritionists on staff), “natural” snack sampler of 5, 10 or 20 4oz bags of nuts, seeds, granola and dried fruit.  I think the concept is pretty neat–you get snacks mailed once a month and you have the option to buy more of what you love from the site.  The sample includes several (3-6) serving sizes per box for $19.95, and I think that’s a decent value (but honestly, I graze at these snacks, so I anticipate them lasting a while).  They offer vegan, soy-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, non-GMO and nut-free options with a promise of avoiding HFCS, trans fats/partially hydrogenated oils or artificial colours/sweeteners/flavors. Well thanks, Naturebox.

You have the option of choosing all, some or none of your products.  They’ll send random snacks if you don’t choose!  There are a whopping 95 different snack options to choose from, which makes it pretty promising as a long-term subscription.  I know they add new products often, as well.

For our first box, I chose Sweet Blueberry Almonds, Yogurt Dipped Pretzels, Praline Pumpkin Seeds, Dried Pears and Salted Caramel Pretzel Pops.  (A lot of their options are much more thrilling, but I’m a little picky.)

The Overall: This is a really great value if you choose your panty wisely or like the convenience of having it just come to your door once a month.  At around $4 per bag, some items with naturally be a better value than others.  Since I’m very picky about my snacks, I don’t think I’d trust the selection to their random choices, but for “normal” folks, I bet it would be just fine.  I HAVE heard some people complain that their items came a bit stale, but that was before they changed the way they handle the pantry, so I’m assuming this issue is now solved.

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Adulting Confidence Boosters

  1. Stop and have a glass of water.  Hydration always helps.
  2. If your goal seems impossible, aim lower.  Accomplishing something small will get you some “I can do it” inertia going.
  3. Forgive yourself!
  4. Make an appointment this week.  Oil change, dental work, annual checkup–whatever you’ve been putting off.  If you’re anxious, ask your buddy for help.
  5. Gather up a bag of items to recycle, donate or swap with friends.  Clearing out the clutter is good for the soul.

5 Adulting Confidence Boosters for the Week

  1. You CAN do this!
  2. Information makes you stronger.  Even if you’re not sure you’ve digested all that you’ve learned, you’ve got more information than you started with.
  3. When you’re anxious about adulting, stop and snap a selfie.  Draw a crown on your head.
  4. Every try is a win.
  5. If you’re ever feeling lost without support, just know that Mister Rogers believed in you.  Carry his love and support with you.